


The Way I See You

by RootsArrow (SparklingDarkAngel)



Series: Malec Hurt/Comfort [3]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Shadowhunter Chronicles - All Media Types
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Magnus loves his boyfriend a lot, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-21
Updated: 2019-05-21
Packaged: 2020-03-09 00:21:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,425
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18905674
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SparklingDarkAngel/pseuds/RootsArrow
Summary: Alexander Lightwood: child soldier, depressed, loved.He reminds himself of the first two things when he takes his fists to the punching bag.Magnus reminds him of the third thing when it gets that bad.





	The Way I See You

**Author's Note:**

> Please see the warnings in the tags and read with care.

Failure. 

Alec did his best to stifle the voice flaring up within him; the voice that had been haunting him since his childhood. Somewhere in his training (always subpar to Jace’s and Izzy’s), he’d picked up this scathing voice inside his head. It was his own voice in a way, yet it was far out of his control. It was the worst of him manifested against himself, a lethal weapon in his mind turned solely on him. 

Worthless. 

He shuddered involuntarily, then returned to punching with full force. In his mind’s eye, he saw Jocelyn Fairchild, dead. Punch. His mother’s look of horror as he kissed Magnus in front of everyone at his wedding. Punch. Hodge’s betrayal. Punch. Aldertree tightening the noose around the institute and being powerless to stop it. Punch. Standing on the ledge at his brother’s rune ceremony. Punch. His dad cheating on his mom. Punch. Valentine activating the soul sword. Punch. Leaving Magnus in Valentine’s body to be tortured after being switched by Azazel. Punch. Izzy’s addiction. Punch. Not good enough. Not good enough. Not good enough. Punch. Punch. Punch. 

When he pulled back, he could barely recognize his hands. His knuckles were cracked open, bloody and raw. Already he could see purple bruising spreading. He didn’t know why he did this to himself, beating his hands to a bloody pulp. Magnus had told him it was because he hoped the physical pain would stop the emotional pain. Alec thought there was something deeper. 

Suddenly, it wasn’t enough. He punched even harder, smearing blood all over the punching bag. It hurt, but he couldn’t stop. Something animalistic had completely taken over. He couldn’t think straight. He curled his thumbs inside his fists and continued the merciless beating. The shock of each blow went straight to the bones. Alec heard the cracking, and he was sure they were broken, but he couldn’t stop. Tears ran down his face, but he didn’t notice until he could taste them on his lips. 

He pulled back at the taste and looked down at himself. Shame filled his entire being as he looked down at his battered hands, barely registering the throb. 

Pathetic. 

The least he could do now was clean himself off. He strode down the hallways, ignoring everyone’s stares until he made it to his room and locked the door behind him. He made his way into the bathroom, turned the hot water on, and let it run over his hands. Within a minute, the water turned scalding, but he was frozen to the spot. Steam rose, and the skin on his hands turned pink. The burning built up until he snapped out of his trance, pulling himself back with a pained hiss. 

Stupid. 

All the pain he’d caused himself, and he still couldn’t shut the voice inside his head up. He wanted to punch the mirror, but he didn’t think he could form a fist with the state his hands were in. As he stared into his reflection, another voice drifted through his head, much sweeter than his own. 

“Promise me you’ll come to me if it ever gets that bad.”

As Alec stared into his own eyes, he realized that yeah, it was that bad. 

He reached for his phone, but his hand protested the movement. His eyes watered as he curled his hand around the phone and pressed his thumb into the one key for Magnus’s speed dial. 

The other line rang a few times before the warlock picked up. “Hello darling,” Magnus greeted cheerfully. “To what do I owe this pleasure?”

Alec hesitated for a moment, unsure how to continue. “Are you busy?” he asked. His voice was much scratchier than he expected it to be. 

“I was about to go meet with a client. What’s wrong?”

“It’s fine, I was just hoping we could talk.”

Magnus’s tone of voice suggested that it was not fine. “What about?” he asked. “Alexander, please tell me what’s going on.”

“It’s just at Max’s party, you... um... you made me promise. To talk to you. If... uh... if it ever gets that bad. But if you have a client-“

“-where are you, Alexander?”

“My room. The Institute,” he answered. 

Suddenly, a portal ripped the space open just a few feet away from him. “My client can wait,” Magnus informed him. “Get over here.”

The call disconnected, and Alec let the phone drop from his hand. He hesitated, but he knew if he didn’t go through that portal then Magnus would drag him through. So he took the steps from the Institute and into Magnus’s loft. Immediately, the feeling of being home hit him, and his tense muscles relaxed. He even smiled slightly before catching the expression on Magnus’s face. 

The warlock looked nothing less than horrified as he stared down at Alec’s beaten and scalded hands. Magnus dropped to his knees in front of the shadowhunter and held out his hands. Knowing what he wanted, Alec gently placed his own bloody hands in Magnus’s soft one. A gentle blue light enveloped them. Bones mended, skin healed, and blood evaporated. When Magnus was done, no trace of the damage remained. For some reason, that felt like a punch to Alec’s gut. 

When he finally brought himself to meet Magnus’s eyes, the warlock had silent tears streaming down his cheeks. The glamour had fallen, leaving him looking more raw than ever. “I’m sorry,” Alec grunted, realizing that he was crying too. 

He took Magnus’s hands and brought the warlock back to his feet. “You have nothing to be sorry for, my love,” Magnus replied. “But this isn’t the first time I’ve seen you abuse your hands like this, so I... I have to ask. How long have you been hurting yourself, darling?”

Alec couldn’t keep eye contact anymore. “I suppose it started not long after Jace came to live with us,” he admitted. “I didn’t have to be the best, you know? I just... I just wanted to be good enough.” 

He risked a glance at Magnus’s face. The warlock was completely stricken. “Oh, honey,” he spoke, sounding so sorrowful. “You have always been enough.” He pulled Alec into his arms and held tightly. “You are so, so enough. You are nothing short of amazing, Alexander. Anyone who cannot see that is a fool.”

“I have failed everyone I care about,” Alec admitted. “My parents. My siblings. Clary.” He paused. “You.”

A sharp intake of breath rushed passed his ear. Magnus took Alec’s arms and stared intensely into his eyes. “You could never fail me, Alexander,” he assured him. 

At that, the damn broke. Alec let out a strangled sob. Gently, Magnus guided him to the bed, laying the shaking shadowhunter down and curling up around him. Alec buried his face into Magnus’s chest and let out all his anger and hate he had been holding against himself. Meanwhile, Magnus ran his fingers through his hair and whispered sweet Indonesian endearments in his ear. 

“Why do I feel like this?” Alec asked after crying himself out, feeling hopeless. 

“Oh, darling, if only you could see yourself the way I see you,” Magnus whispered wistfully. 

“And how is that?” Alec asked, his stomach tightening with anxiety. 

“When I look at you, I see the bravest person I’ve ever known. I see a man who will face off against the worst of demons without even blinking. I see love, so much love. I see someone who tears themself apart and rips the ground out from under his own feet just to give someone else a place to stand. I see a child soldier who has overcome his brainwashing to let himself receive that same love he gives, and I couldn’t be prouder. I see a pure, righteous heart and soul. And even if the man I see is under appreciated by everyone else around him, I love him so much. He is my world, and I will never take him for granted.”

Alec was crying again, but he wasn’t sad. He simply wasn’t used to being loved so hard. Magnus’s words filled his core and eased his suffering mind. “Do you mind if I stay with you today?” he asked. 

“I would love nothing more,” Magnus replied. “You always take care of others. Let me take care of you now.”

And if Alec didn’t leave Magnus’s bed for the rest of the day, it was really no one else’s business. He earned it. A new voice rang in his mind; his own but far less hateful. 

Loved.


End file.
